Dad's what all kids want?

Fathers have an impact – good or bad, intentional or otherwise – simply by what they do, and what they don’t.

TODAY is Father’s Day. There is no real significance to this date, other than the fact that it has become yet another day for commercial interests to make more money.

And so we are inundated with messages on what we should buy for our fathers – anything from a tie to a power drill is fine.

It is also interesting that many charity organisations have also got into the game, where you can give a donation on behalf of your father in support of various causes.

I won’t pour cold water on those who believe this day should be celebrated in such manner. Having been a father for nearly 30 years, I will say that a day’s celebrations can’t encapsulate the role of a father, which is both unique and challenging.

More so in our Asian culture where fathers tend to play second fiddle to mothers in a nurturing role, and may not have enough opportunities to exert their influence on the children.

But the reality is we, fathers, do have an impact – good or bad, intentional or otherwise – simply by what we do, and what we don’t.

I have written before in this column that the best times in my career were the six years, over two different stretches, that I spent at home as a full-time father.

I had a whale of a time, although my better half did find it tricky explaining to friends why she had to earn the bread and butter while I was gallivanting at home.

Without being tied down to an office routine, I had all the time in the world. During my first stint, when my sons were still quite young, we had plenty of fun activities. Among other things, I built them a playhouse, flew kites with them, and taught them to swim and to ride a bicycle.

On my second stint, when they were already in their pre-teens and had become more aware of the world around them, our conversations often revolved around the values of life.

Fathers, as you receive gifts on Father’s Day, I wonder if you have thought about what gifts you might give to your children in their formative years – gifts that money cannot buy.

Do you teach them how to make the right choices, rather than lay down a list of dos and don’ts?

Do you respect that they have a voice that needs to be heard, or do you exert authority simply because you are the father?

Do you imbue in them the fortitude to overcome obstacles in life, resisting the urge to always jump in and rescue them?

Do you affirm their dreams, or simply tell them to be practical and march to the beat of the world?

I have learnt that these lessons cannot be taught in a textbook format, and certainly not in one sitting.

Lessons in life are passed on over many conversations and through much time spent together.

If we are the kind of fathers who leave home before our children wake up and come home after they are asleep, or even when we are present with them, are not really listening, perhaps it’s time to take stock.

The world tries to make busy dads feel less guilty by highlighting the effectiveness of so-called quality time. But I believe there can be no quality time without time in quantity.

Fathers, full-time or not, are you prepared to leave everything aside when your child comes up to you, because you are the only person he or she can call “dad”? And will you show, through your words and actions, that such moments mean all the world to you? Happy Father’s Day.

By Sunday starters SOO Ewe Jin

Deputy executive editor Soo Ewe Jin urges every dad to listen to Cat in the Cradle, made famous in 1974 by Harry Chapin. The song is about a father who was too busy to spend time with his son, who eventually grew up just like him, a busy man who did not have time for his father. The views expressed are entirely the writer’s own.





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It pays to be stern

I AM writing this in response to the article “Hats off to a strict father” written by Nithya Sidhhu (Here:  Hats off to a strict father ). The article really resonated with me.

All my three children, have always viewed me as a strict father.

Their complaints have never failed to make me feel that it was wrong for me to be such a strict father.

Like the writer, my eldest daughter also smarted under my regimen and in fact, complained to many of her friends that I was too harsh.

I felt that she did not understand the fact that I was actually intent on moulding her to become a person who would be ready to face life’s harsh realities one day.

Feeling misunderstood added to the guilt that grew in me.

That is why I felt immensely relieved when I read the article especially the words: “You may not appreciate it now but the discipline will help you in the future.”

Upon reading the article, I sent it to my eldest daughter who is currently studying in India.

Her reply really touched me because she said: “Appa (father) it was only after coming to college that I realised your strict ways were meant for my own good.”

Since it was Fathers Day, she sent me a picture with the quote: “The reason why a daughter loves her Dad the most is because there is at least one man in the world who will never hurt her. I love you, Dad”.

Both the article and my daughter’s message have succeeded in finally getting rid of the guilt within me.

Some fathers can’t help being strict but let me stress that they have their children’s best interests at heart.

The post is contributed by KARUNANITHY SUBBIAH Kuala Lumpur The StarEducate Sunday 22 June 2014.

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I CAME across the following quote by illustrator Victor Devlin recently. It goes: Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mould them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this.

When I read his words, I thought to myself: “That sounds exactly like my father!”

Seriously, aren’t we who we are because of the way we were brought up? In my case, I must say it was that my father who shaped my character and my will. He was the most dominant force in my childhood years.

As a teacher, I’ve had students complain to me that their fathers were tough on them. I’d say to them in consolation, “You may not appreciate it now but the discipline will help you in the future”.

Children of strict fathers – yes, we exist.

When I was growing up, I have to admit though that I felt stifled by my father’s autocratic ways. Often, I bristled with inner rebellion when he was demanding and harsh.

But, it was his relentless pursuit for my learning and development that laid the core of steel I now have within me. Even my passion for realising both personal and professional goals springs from the firm resolve that he girded in me.

Values (and the right ones at that) were what he embedded in me. Integrity, determination, perseverance, diligence, responsibility and accountability: my father marched for years in a policeman’s boots that bore these very studs!

When I became a teacher, I found myself following my father’s example. I chose to be a strong, capable and respected individual.

But, I had no desire to be as hard as him. Therefore, the one important concession I made to myself was to temper my strict ways with traits of love, understanding, compassion and kindness.

For me, the “yin” and the “yang” of this combination are what made the crucial difference in my success as a teacher.

Nonetheless, the hardy principles taught by my father served me time and time again as I faced one challenge after another in the 26 years I trudged through the blackboard jungle.

When I was teaching in a large urban school once, a man came to see me to find out whether his son’s performance was good enough to apply for a premier college overseas.

Handing me his business card, he told me was that he was the head of a finance company. Assessing me rapidly with his eyes, he said, “My job takes me away from home a lot. But I want only the best for my son.”

Talking brusquely, he made no bones about the fact that he had both the means and the desire to send his son overseas to study. “It will make him independent,” he explained. When I spoke about his son’s potential and ability to succeed, the man listened quietly.

Cracking the whip

After I was done talking, he gave me another appraising look and then admitted, “I don’t get along very well with my son. He thinks I’m too strict. But, I know it’s important that I crack the whip now. If not, we will both regret it later.”

And then he shook my hand and left. No smile. No pleasantries.

Watching him leave, not only did I understand him, I understood him perfectly.

My student would inquire later how the meeting went. I assured him that it went well.

But in thinking about his father, I knew I hadn’t told the inscrutable man that his son was, in fact, a difficult student to deal with.

At times, in handling this boy, even I was filled with despair. What was to become of him? What could I do to help him? And, could I even really be of any help?

But, I neither lowered my standards for the boy nor gave up on him. As far as I was concerned, he had both the intelligence and ability to go far in life. He just wasn’t trying hard enough.

After meeting his father, I began to suspect that this boy’s reluctance to shape up was probably an act of retaliation against his father’s coldness.

In requiring good work of him, this student would often say churlishly to me, “Why are you so hard on me?”

And I would reply sincerely, “Because I really believe that you have it in you to do better work.”

But unlike his father, I showed this boy my “softer” side as often as I could. I would say pleasantly, “You know, I do care a lot about you. And, you perform surprisingly well when you take the trouble to do so.”

Once, I even told him: “Listen, I had a difficult time with my father too but he made me a successful person. Give your old man a break and put in some effort.”

Although he avoided me often, I pursued my goals relentlessly. I was after all, my father’s daughter, and if there is one imprint he left on me — to be persistent.

Finally, persuaded and encouraged to believe in himself, the boy began to turn the corner. After that, it was a joy to teach him - really it was!

He came to see me often and we talked about all sorts of topics – girls, music, books, politics and even photography.

I praised his good attributes and his honest attempts to improve, not once, but many times, because I knew his father could not and would not.

As a teacher, it was my responsibility and duty to do so, therefore I did it.

Reform and learning

My father believed in the power of reform through education. As a teacher, I too believe that all students are capable of learning. Therefore, a teacher’s push really matters.

By the way, I am not alone in thinking along these lines. Have you by any chance read Andre Agassi’s 2009 autobiography Open? Well, this former Wimbledon tennis world champion has faith in the same maxim.

After he retired from playing professionally, he launched the Andre Agassi Charitable Foundation. In 2001, the Foundation opened the Andre Agassi College Preparatory Academy in Las Vegas, a K-12 public charter school for at-risk children. The 26,000-square-foot education complex that carries Agassi’s name places a huge emphasis on excellence. Agassi’s goal in hiring teachers is to procure men and women who are “sharp, passionate and inspired” and “willing to lay it on the line” and “get personally involved”.

He asks one thing and one thing only of his teachers: That they believe fervently that every student can be a learner.

Agassi hit a resounding shot when he said: “It sounds like a painfully obvious concept, self-evident, but nowadays it’s not.”

See what I mean? I’d add another adage: Do your best and God will do the rest. As teachers, we are bound by convention and limits but we still have to set, pursue and then reach the right goals. The minute teachers give up, the kids start falling like bowling pins. My father hammered this home because he could not and would not tolerate it when I said: “It can’t be done!”

Upon hearing this explanation, his answer was always the same: “Stop making excuses! Just admit that you didn’t work hard enough!”

Ah, what a great man he was because I do know now that his strict vigil did work wonders. Happy Fathers Day!

Contributed by Nithya Sidhhu Sunday StarEducate

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You don’t need words to express how you feel when deeds can clearly get the message across

BEING close to 1,000km away from home by air indirectly means that a lot of times, I will miss out on many celebrations in Kuching.

Earlier this month, the Sarawakians were celebrating Gawai, or the harvest festival in the state.

Although the Dragon Boat Festival is also celebrated here, it is not the same without my mother’s home-made dumplings.

The faster pace of life here coupled with the number of activities I can do keep me occupied and provide me with a sense of fulfilment.

However, when I slow down, I will feel homesick once in a while.

Not long ago, I called my father to tell him that I would like to fly back to Kuching for a break.

He told me to save the flight money and “rest” because he thinks that flying can be a bit of a hassle.

It may sound odd as to why a father would tell his daughter not to go home for those reasons.

Flight tickets are very affordable these days especially during the off peak seasons or when the airlines are running a promotion.

And while it does take some effort to get to the airport, check-in and fly back all that usually takes about four hours (assuming there is no delay with the flight).

For a round trip back to my hometown, it possibly costs me a few hundred ringgit and eight hours of travelling but that, according to my father, is an unnecessary waste of time and money.

“Save your hard-earned money for better use,” he would say.

So, usually, I will fly back twice a year; once during Chinese New Year and another trip will be made as and when I want to.

“There really is no need to come back so often. It is such a chore. All you have to do is call us more often,” he argued.

I did not argue that it would not be the same because my father’s logic is slightly different from others’ and he is a bit stubborn.

“A bit” may be an understatement based on my mother’s standard but that is my father.

A man of few words who sometimes says things that people least expect and to a certain degree, mysterious.

Mysterious in a sense that no one in the family knows what he really thinks and how he really feels.

Sometimes I ask, “Why?”, and he will reply, “Don’t ask so much”.

Surprisingly, asking questions is part and parcel of what I do for a living now.

Compared to my mother, who will show her concern and express her thoughts overtly (and most of the times excessively), my father appears somewhat “emotionally detached”.

My mother is the kind who will impose her values and what she thinks is good on her children but my father appears cool and easy-going with many of the decisions his children make in life.

The difference in their approaches became antecedent to their arguments but my mother will usually have the last word.

When my mother gets angry, we usually know the reason but when my father becomes furious, the cause is mostly unknown.

Hence, that makes me wonder more, “Why?”

I cannot even comprehend the kind of food he loves – duck neck and fish head.

Most people prefer the meaty parts.

After countless “whys” on the subject, I finally realised that, all these are just the ways my father expresses his love.

He leaves the best for his family.

He swallows his pain, conceals his emotions because he does not want others to worry.

It is also because “by default” based on most societies’ standards, a man has to put a strong front to provide for and to protect his family.

His love is in his actions but not words, subtle yet powerful, silent yet beautiful. That, is a father’s love for his family.

> Ng Bei Shan, a business journalist with The Star, salutes all the fathers for being a warrior of their families. She hopes those who are able to celebrate the coming Father’s Day to treasure the moments with their heroes and gently reminds those who cannot make it back home to give their fathers a warm greeting.

 Contributed by  # BAH! Ng Bei Shan
Ng Bei Shan, a business journalist with the Star, salutes all the fathers for being a warrior of their families. She hopes those who are able to celebrate the coming Father's Day to treasure the moments with their heroes and gently reminds those who cannot make it back home to give their fathers a warm greeting.

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http://right-waystan.blogspot.com/

What do fathers want?

FATHER’S Day is this Sunday and the “Sweet and chocolaty message for fathers” in The Star the other day has prompted me to put on my thinking cap on what a father wants for his children, the generations to come, and the fathers themselves.

After being a father for close to two decades, it sets me to think for the first time what is treasured most in my life as a father. Children. They are more than apples of my life. They are God’s most precious gifts that have been entrusted to my care.

Every aspect of their development, such as their health, education, emotional and spiritual growth, brings great joy to me. A father’s responsibilities are burdensome but worthwhile and rewarding.

Among them, education tops the priorities and this includes enrolling one in Austin Heights Private and International School and another in Singapore Polytechnic.

The decisions, though incurring a huge financial commitment, become easier after deliberating on their strength and weaknesses in studies.

Discipline comes in whenever necessary for sparing the rod will spoil the brats to achieve academically. The endeavour to nurture them requires, other than discipline, love and care plus lots of patience.

During school breaks, they are pampered with a holiday, either locally or once in a blue moon, an overseas trip, to enrich their lives and at the same time strengthen the family bond.

Most fathers desire a peaceful and politically-stable country for the children to grow up.

Political stability is important to ensure sustained socio-economic growth which promises brighter job prospects for their children.

Some parents, like me, are in our early 50s and very soon, our generation will be over but to our children and the future generations, it is just the beginning.

So, it is all the more crucial for our young people to be brought up in a society that is conducive and harmonious.

The country should also be free from political bickering and in-fighting for these will distract the leaders who are mandated by the rakyat to prioritise the country’s development, which includes seeing through policies like the Economic Transformation Programme and Iskandar Malaysia to fulfil the high-income nation status and Vision 2020.

Many views have also been expressed by various stakeholders, especially the PAGE and lately, Datuk Seri Wong Chun Wai, to emphasise more on the English language, to enable our children to be competitive in this globalised world.

Mutual trust, neighbourhood security, transparency and efficiency in the delivery system and public accountability should prevail in a society that treasures meritocracy much more than ethnicity.

A desirable society values diversity in religion, custom and belief that are part and parcel of a multi-racial community. It is also a nation where the leaders lead by example and walk the talk of the 1Malaysia concept in their daily lives, and not only when the general election is around the corner.

The proverb “behind every successful man there is a woman” depicts the importance of a wife to the father and the children. Her role in a family is further highlighted in “home sweet home”, “home is where the heart is” and “the hands that cradle the cot rock the world”.

The father and children of such a home are the MOST blessed souls in the world when there is a wise and diplomatic wife at the household. Her words are soothing in times of weariness and refreshing when one wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

They could turn to her for words of advice or for second opinions.

Fathers should be treated as the head of households and be allowed to call the final shot if a compromise is difficult to come by. This will set examples for the children to emulate when they have their own families one day.

As the Chinese proverb says, jia he wan shi xing, which literally means that when there is harmony at home, every aspect of our lives will prosper.

That is something that every father wishes to have for himself and family but has always been elusive.

New models after new models have been launched but are often beyond their reach.

The high taxes have put many fathers in the “day-dreaming” gear and hopefully, the 20%-30% reduction in prices over a period of five years as promised by the Government can be shortened to say, two years so that a teacher like me can start saving from now on and be in time to pursue my dream of owning the Toyota Altis to replace the 13-year-old faithful Toyota Unser before the retirement.

Cheers to all fellow fathers on this coming Father’s Day!

TING LIAN LEE Johor Baru